Celebrating a woman who has earned respect on International Women's Day

There are people who demand respect because they feel they deserve it and there are people who just deserve it. I have been fortunate to have many women in my life who deserve respect but few demand it. On International Women’s Day  I would like to celebrate one woman who has never demanded respect but has certainly earned; it my mother.

I know, you are thinking all mothers are amazing and deserve respect, and they do, but mine is someone who gives so much of herself that I wanted to take the time to recognise her.

My mother is Rhonda Finlay, a proud Yorta Yorta woman. My mother has always raised me knowing that I am Aboriginal and that it is something to be proud of. Something which I am sure at times was difficult given the level of racism she has faced in her life. If I am a proud Aboriginal woman capable of standing up for our Peoples, its because my mother showed me how to be.

She is a generous with her time, love and money. And those who know her know this about her. Here are just SOME of the things she does or has done. She is on the Board of Worimi Aboriginal Land Council. She works full time at Toronto High, at the age of 61 I might add as an Aboriginal Education Officer, she teaches disadvantaged kids to drive and is one of the annual Yakka Day organisers. She has even managed a Koori woman’s league team for the Koori Knockout, even though she doesn’t consider it “real football”. She has sat with terminal patients who have few family or friends as part of a palliative care program, voluntarily putting her numerous experiences of death to use for the benefit of others.

She extremely dedicated to helping the kids at the school and those who have left. They have her phone number and she always picks up their calls and text messages. She loves them and at times brings out the tough love I am so familiar with. And they respect her enough to listen. She lets them mess up her hair, but only after lunch. She has introduced some of them to new foods such as olives, with varying success. If they don’t turn up to school she goes knocking on their door. If they cant get to a job interview she drives them. If I am caring and hardworking, it is because she led by example.

She has always given more of her self than any other person I know. When I was younger she worked as a cleaner to supplement my dads income so we could go to a private school. Now while I am recognising my mother, this does not mean I don’t also have an amazing father, I do, but it is International Women’s Day. She has done so much for us kids, more than I will ever know.  She insisted on teaching us kids to be like that too. When I was really young she made me give away half my toys to charity; literally half and I never had many to start with. She arranged for the entire family to feed the homeless one year for Christmas. Another Christmas our gift was sponsoring a world vision child. If I am generous it is because my mother showed me how to be.

My mother does all this and more in spite of the challenges she has faced in her life. She has dealt with numerous personal and family issues. Issues which may have guttered someone who doesn’t have the inner strength my mother has. Now don’t get me wrong, she isn’t perfect and like all mothers drives me up the wall at times. We struggled to understand each probably until my mid 20s. The point is not about being perfect all the time, but what you do the rest of the time. If I am strong, it because my mother showed me how to be strong even when life is challenging.

Throughout her life Rhonda Finlay has shown me, and many others, what it means to be hard working, caring, generous and proud. I am very lucky to have had a strong Aboriginal mother and I am better for having her in my life.

On International Women’s Day, please take the time to recognise not just those women who are publically contributing to the betterment of society but also to those who fly under the radar.

Vaginas. Julie Bishop. Hairy armpits. Feminism.

Julie Bishop said she doesn’t find the word feminism useful today. That a woman in her position cannot comment on “the glass ceiling” and she does not label herself a feminist.

What is feminism? Am I a feminist? And is there a need for it? These were the questions I found myself asking after hearing Julie Bishop speak at the National Press Club in October last year.[1] Until Julie Bishop said she didn’t call herself a feminist, I never had either. The reaction her statements received from my friends and the media gave me pause to consider my own attitudes towards feminism.

What is feminism? The first images that come to my mind are women with hairy armpits, who don’t shave their legs, certainly don’t groom down below, and often don’t wear a bra or make up. This is clearly not me. I hate hair anywhere on my body, wear a bra so my boobs don’t sag (who really wants saggy boobs), and wear a little makeup. And I do this for myself.

While I have experienced sexist comments, domestic violence, and dislike the way women are sexualised from a young age, I have never considered that having a vagina might hold me back from getting where I want to go in life. I routinely wear bright coloured lipstick, pretty dresses, sunbake topless, am soon to be a PhD candidate, just bought a small unit, and work in Aboriginal policy for a national organisation. I can be a feminine and be successful.

I realised that after contemplating whether or not I was a feminist I actually knew very little about feminism. Surely it is more than hairy armpits! It turns out after a bit of research that it is. There are numerous schools of thought, and definitions however the long and short of it is women should have equal rights and opportunities but often are disadvantaged due to their gender[2]. I know this. You know this. It’s a captain obvious statement.

That leads to the second question, is there evidence to support the need for feminism?

I was on the bus today talking to a 77 year old retired gentleman who was currently reading Virginia Wolfe. He commented that things are better today for women then they were in the 30’s when Wolfe was writing but there still is room for improvement. When I got to work I was faced with more gender inequity on Aljazeera online. The headline “Six women murdered each day as femicide in Mexico nears a pandemic”[3] speaks for itself. Further research uncovered that in Australia the national gender pay gap as of May 2014 was 18.2%, an increase in the gap by 3.2% since 2004[4]. Not only is there a pay gap, there is a gap in position seniority as well. Among the 2012 top 200 companies listed on the Australian Stock Exchange, only 1.3% of CEOS were women, and only 8.1% of Board Directors and 8.4% Executive Managers were women[5].  Julie Bishop, in her speech at the National Press Club recognised this when she stated there was still discrimination in the workplace.

Author Margaret Atwood is quoted as saying “Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”

Malala Yousafzai.

Gang rapes of women in India.

Boko Haram kidnapping school girls in Nigeria.

Need I say more?

So the short answer is YES, there is a need for feminism. Women clearly haven’t don’t have equality.

What I realised by thinking about Julie Bishops comments is that many women including me, have and continue to benefited from, the feminist movement whether it is labelled as feminism or not. That the women who are capable of achieving, despite their sex are the very women who need to embrace feminism to continue to promote equality for those less able.

This has made me ask more questions. Why then has the word feminism and the concepts that go along with it become a dirty word? Is the denial that we need feminism contributing to the discrimination against women? Is the denial that discrimination exists a way of perpetrating discrimination against women?

So am I a feminist? Yes. Why? I have realised that being a feminist doesn’t mean you have to forgo the advantages of wearing a bra. It means I can do whatever it is I want to do for myself. That’s my right as a person.

Am I a feminist because I have a vagina? No. It’s because once you take off the rose coloured glasses, discrimination against women clearly exists, and denying it doesn’t make it any less real.

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[1] National Press Club, 2014, Women in the Media Launch, viewed 6 January 2015 http://www.canberraiq.com.au/downloads/2014-11-2-1.pdf.

[2] Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, 2003, Topics in Feminism, viewed 6 January 2015 http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/feminism-topics/.

[3] Judith Matloff, 2015, Six women murdered each day as femicide in Mexico nears a pandemic, Aljazeera America Online, last viewed 6 January 2015.

[4] Workplace Gender Equality Agency, 2014, Gender pay gap statistics, viewed January 6 2015 https://www.wgea.gov.au/sites/default/files/Gender_Pay_Gap_Factsheet.pdf.

[5] Australian Bureau of Statistics, 2013, Gender Indicators Australia, July 2012 (cat. no. 4125.0) viewed January 6 2015 http://www.abs.gov.au/ausstats/abs@.nsf/Lookup/4125.0main+features6110Jul%202012.

Leading, but not up the garden path

It is “Proud to be indigenous week”, so I thought I would take the opportunity to talk about what I admire in the Aboriginal leaders who have made an impression on me. This week has also been the United Nations Permanent Forum on Indigenous Issues and we have many of our great leaders there.

Leadership is not something I aspire too, however from time to time I wonder if I was to be a leader, what qualities I would need to be successful.

It is very easy to sit back and criticise but very few people seem to consider our strengths.

 As a semi-young Aboriginal woman, (at 33 I am not youth, middle aged or elderly) I have already met some amazing people in my life. Many of these amazing people have assisted in shaping me into the person that I am. My mum, of course, is one of them. While these people know I value them, I want to share with you, why.

Qualities I admire in an Aboriginal leader:

The Mentor - leaders who mentor the next generation. Those who see the future of our people in the passion, desire and drive of youth. They help shape them into a force to be reckoned with. These leaders spend the time, time they often don’t have, ensuring that Aboriginal people will have more amazing leaders to be proud of in the future.

The visionary - fearless leaders who at times have had to go it alone, who have faced immense challenges but because of their vision and passion to keep moving forward.

The lateral thinker - these leaders challenge the norm; will not, do not accept that things have to stay the same because they have always been that way. These people’s ideas may seem wacky or too hard to start with but they always seem to pull of the big jobs.

The fighter – the leader who despite numerous knock downs refuses to give in or give-up. They will fight until their last breath regardless of the personal cost.

The quite achiever- This leader often get the least amount of notice. They are steady and methodical, shying away from the limelight but are always working towards the goal of creating a better future for us.

The rule breaker  - The leader who doesn’t think like other people, that sees rules as guidelines and who will, when the rules hamper the outcome, sidestep them and make it work for our people.

The networker – the leader who, through their connections can make things happen to the benefit of our Peoples. They bring with them a horde of people which cannot be ignored.

The get in and just do it –They are the people who will just do what needs to be done. They have no problems getting their hands dirty and it doesn’t matter if it is packing boxes or being on the mic, they are up for the task.

The fountain of knowledge – these leaders are the one you go to when you need to know anything about anything. They seem to be a walking encyclopaedia. They crave knowledge above all else because they know it is through knowledge we can fight.

The communicator – this person can say things that most people could never say, should never say, but they do it with such finesse that the message is not lost nor offensive.

The community minded- This leader puts their community and other Aboriginal people before themselves. They are not interested in the attention, the acclaim or the pay packet. They are work to assist in making the future of our Peoples better.

The collaborator – this leader works in collaboration with everyone regardless of age and experience. They see value in life experience as much as education and always make sure that the people they are working with feel valued. Respect and trust is the key to the way they do business!

The one thing all Aboriginal leaders I admire have in common is that they are there for our Peoples rather than themselves. They use WE not I.

This list is by no means exhaustive. It is just a few qualities that are really valuable to me. Qualities that make me proud to be Aboriginal woman. I hope it has prompted you to consider our strengths not just the negatives.

Ode to Aboriginal men; how I love you!

I love Aboriginal men!

Now do not let your mind stray some where you can't tell your mother. It is not for the reasons you are thinking a young Aboriginal woman might like men.

I am sure that you have heard of men talking about how dogs or even children attract women. Aboriginal men do not need to talk about it; they do it naturally. Despite the negative media stories about Aboriginal men, Aboriginal men are loving family men.

I have noticed that it is more common to see an Aboriginal man with a child or even children, then non-Aboriginal men. I do not mean the men at Coogee pushing their child’s stroller and trying to look “cool” by pushing it with one hand but never looking at the kid. Or the husband of my non-Aboriginal friend told me about who comes home from work, “exhausted” and needs “time to him self” before spending time with their kids.

I noticed a large number of our men and boys at the Koori Knockout last year with children, sometimes one on the hip and another holding their hand. It was as common to see the men and boys looking after kids, as it was the women. The child could be theirs, their niece or nephew, grandchild, cousin or even a mates. Whatever their connection was with the child, they would probably call them “Uncle” as a mark of respect. I made a comment along these lines to a colleague and she had noticed the same thing. At the footy carnival in Port Lincoln in South Australia, I also noticed the amount of our men looking after children.

One of my brothers, at the hospital with his best mate, demanded he hold the newborn, of which he has the self-declared, “Godfather”. He has also declared himself the Godfather of the older brother. Because of the way our Culture places a high value on family, our men have always been around children, so for an Aboriginal man to hold a newborn is natural. Non-Aboriginal men rarely seem so natural with a newborn. By the way "family" is often used as a term used to include people we care about. For an Aboriginal man to care about a child that is not his is natural.

On the weekend at breakfast, I was talking to a friend and he mentioned that at a footy game a mate brought his new baby. When my mate asked to hold the kid, the rest of the team looked at him as if he was crazy! Crazy? Really? What is more natural than holding a child?

This phenomenon is not unusual. I regularly attend Aboriginal community events, either as a community member or in a work capacity and always notice the way our men take care of kids. I have many male friends who are proud and dedicated fathers, brother, grandfathers, uncles and “godfathers”.  If I thought you would continue to read my blog, I would recount story after story of how Aboriginal men are amazing.

Our men are often generous, tender, caring, thoughtful and considerate. For their children or children in their circle (and the circle are often quite large), they are involved in raising them and embody these values.

If you are not Aboriginal, I hope that the Aboriginal men I describe, do not contradict the image you have of our men, however I am not sure that it does not. It is unfortunate that most non-Aboriginal people do not get to see what I see. If they did, they would realise why I love our men and why I am proud to be Aboriginal.

So for the single ladies reading this I hope I have made you consider an Aboriginal man. The saying “once you go black you won’t go back” rings true for me. But not for reasons, your dirty mind, is thinking of.

a large number

Violence against women is never ok; my story.

Have you ever wondered how women and sometimes even men, end up in a domestically violent relationship? I use to. A cousin of mine was telling mum and me about how her boyfriend beat her. I was horrified, I looked at her confused and asked her by she didn't just leave. She looked at me, as confused and said its not that easy. I thought "that would never happen to me".

And yet, now I am a survivor of a relationship which was violent. I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I got out before I was hospitalised, before I had children to the man I was with, before it killed me but not before it left its scars. Even three years on this writing this makes me feel physically unwell and anxious.

I share my story because I think it is something that is often not spoken about but really needs to be because it happens too often. And too many excuses are made when it does.

Those who know me were surprised to find out that I had been in a domestically violent relationship. I am strong, intelligent, well educated, capable and a fighter in my own right. How then did I end up in a violent relationship? I asked my self that question many times and now, after some serious reflection, I have some insight into why I stayed.

It sneaks up on you. There are the fights, yelling and name calling. You become use to it, it doesn't scare you as much as it use to. And then he ups the ante. He starts throwing things. At first your shocked and then you tell yourself that he doesn't mean to scare you. He loves you after all. Then he apologises. You tell yourself maybe it’s your fault. Maybe if I did something different he wouldn't get so angry. You stop fighting back. You keep quiet. Yet that dosen’t seem to work. He still gets so angry and then he hurts you for the first time. In my case he picked me up and threw me out of the bedroom on to the concert floor. I sat on the ground shocked. What just happened. I’m bruised and not just my body. He tells me it's my fault. I shouldn't have made him angry. I know it's not and tell him if he ever touches me again Ill leave. He promises to be better and he is. At least for a while.

Everyone has a different breaking point. Mine was the 5th incident, he verbally abused me for what felt like hours, destroyed the room, threw me against a wall, hit me with whatever's he could get his hands on before I crawled into bed. He was in the doorway and wouldn't let me leave. Ignoring him only made it worse. He kicked a box at me, which hit me in the head, hit the window and glass rained down onto me. The neighbours called the police.

I left, decided to take out an intervention order aka AVO and tried to repair the damage. I told a few friends and family what happened and they supported me through it all. A big thank you to them.

I write this not so you will feel sorry for me but because domestic violence can happen to anyone. It is often not spoken about and people feel isolated when they are in that situation. They blame themselves and feel helpless. Without the amazing people around me, I wouldn't be as ok as I am. I do however still have and possibly always will emotional scars. And I hope that people will read this and do something different. That could be get out when you see the warning signs, support someone you think might be in a bad relationship or understand that your violence leaves scars you will never see and may never go away.

Don’t just wait for white ribbon day.

White Ribbon day is on the 25nd of November. For more information go to: http://www.whiteribbon.org.au/.

My take on my Culture, Aboriginal Culture

So when ever I tell people I am Aboriginal they look a little confused. They see me...

 

Paul Foley http://www.lightmoods.com.au/

 

And I can see the confusion on their face. The way I look contradicts their views on what an Aboriginal person looks like and what Aboriginal Culture is.

 

Aboriginal Culture is so varied and yet holds us all together. From my perspective, as an urban Aboriginal woman, Culture is; Cultural practises, family, community responsibility and a connection to country. It's our way of doing business, through respect, community engagement and Cultural protocol. It's respecting the wisdom and knowledge of our elders. It's my history, pre and post invasion. Culture is a long list of variables, which our mob share but no one person embodies all of them.

There are many Aboriginal Cultures; with similarities and difference. Contrary to popular belief, there is no one size fits all. Our diversity is our strength, yet is often over looked because people assume that because the singular word "Aboriginal" is used, we must be all the same. I however liken the word Aboriginal, to saying European. Make more sense now?

There is also traditional Culture, which is our Cultural practise's, beliefs, lore. But no culture is static. Every Cultural practise, story and dance had a beginning. Often Aboriginal Culture is seen as static; frozen in time, pre-invasion. One static interpretation is the romantic notion of Aboriginal Culture. People hold the notion of the "noble savage". When they see how we are negatively promoted in the media and it doesn't fit with the “noble savage” imagery, they draw the conclusion that our Culture is lost. So far from the truth.

People also often confuse “Culture” and “culture”. "Culture" with a capital "C" refers to the Cultural practises which make us who we are. "culture" can refer to specific behaviours like "drinking culture", which are not part of Cultural practise and does not make us who we are. Yet the terms are often used interchangeably, to the detriment of our mob. We are not the sum of our issues.

It has taken me a long time to articulate what Aboriginal Culture means to me, so it is no surprise that outsiders have a hard time too. It is no more difficult to articulate, than it would be to articulate Australian Culture, however Australian Culture is rarely under the spotlight in quite the same way as Aboriginal Culture.

I shall finish off with saying, that if you do not yet fully grasp Aboriginal Culture, don’t be surprised. It will take me a lifetime to understand what it means to be an Aboriginal woman. How is anyone else mean to get it in just a few words such as this?

 

Please sir, can I have some more? Manners where have you gone!

In fear of sounding like a 1950’s housewife, where are people’s manners these days? Table manners have gone out the window. “maybe” is now an acceptable RSVP to a dinner invitation, being  at least 30 minutes late is the norm and people smoke in enclosed spaced despite the fact most people don’t smoke while complaining about the use of the “C” word.

Lets start with lateness because it is my pet hate. People’s houses are not like a restaurant, where food is cooked to order after you arrive. When someone is cooking for you, timers are used as food goes hard and dry if it is overcooked. The host also would like to enjoy the company of their friends so they tend to prepare and have the meal cooking so it is ready not long after you arrive. Excusing your lateness by saying “that’s just me” is not good enough. Lateness is not an incurable condition like torrets. It is just bad time management.

Now on to “maybe”. What to do with a maybe…Once upon a time an RSVP use to be a “yes” or a “no”. A yes or a no allows the inviter to book the right table size and cater for the right number of people…For those of you who say maybe, what is the problem with committing? Is it that you are waiting to see if you get a better offer, have genuine commitment issues or are you just inconsiderate?

And table manners, oh I lament the loss of table manners. Eating or talking with your mouth open, spitting onto your plate, licking your knife, and scaping the bowl. If your mothers did not teach you that those things were bad manners when eating in public, then they were remiss. The joke “do you like see food” was only funny when you were 7. Table manners are there so our dinning experience is not disturbed by watching you masticate your food in cave man style.

One of the newer art of manners is around smoking. In case you were not aware your smoke drifts though the air up other peoples nostrils and into their lungs. For those of us who do not smoke, we are ok with you smoking as long as it does not impede on our right to clean air (clean “ish” air if you live in the city). If you have manners, and there are plenty of smokers who do, you will remove yourself from the situation or blow smoke away from people or sit down wind. So to the girl who was at the Entertainment Quarter on Saturday night smoking in the stair well while complaining about someone using the “C” word in conversation, your manners are hardly faultless.

To sum up, manners have not gone past their used by date. They still have a purpose in the modern age.  So people please bring back manners. It shows that you are both aware of the people around you and considerate.